Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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