we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
