I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
