i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
