Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
