is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
