Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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