alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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