mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
