I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
