You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
