i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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