i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
