either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
