K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
