i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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