Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
