The maid of honor just puked.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
