Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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