Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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