Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
