Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
