I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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