Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
