so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
