1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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