I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
