...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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