if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
