Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
