I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize