I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
