I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
