I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
