i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think a kid would responsible me up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
