The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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