every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
