i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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