I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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