I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
