It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
