We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
