Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She's the barista slut.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
