my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
