theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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