So drunk its hurt
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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