My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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