I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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