okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
