If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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