I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
A bitchslap is in order.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
