I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
