we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
