I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
