my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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