He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
