When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
