Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
